I have so few answers these days that even I am tired of hearing me say, "I don't know."
I lack the capacity and the confidence for making big decisions so I simply don't. (I suspect that it is the perfectionist in me that prevents me from making a bad decision by making no decision at all.) Hardly a recipe for success, though these days survival seems to be the more pressing objective than long range personal, professional or financial success. There are many decisions to be made these days and I've been avoiding most of them.
I was accused today of being dishonest and wishy-washy and it hurt me deeply because I have long enjoyed a reputation for being honest and forthright. At some level I know that I must admit to being wishy-washy and I believe that it is due largely to the constant struggle between my heart and my head. They have, for many months, been wrestling over the trophy of my future; I sense now that they are beginning to align towards an inevitable truth. The truth (as I have mentioned elsewhere in this blog) is that I have no place being in a relationship.
I understand that I will be meeting with a counsellor on Wednesday who is going to ask me (I expect) deep and probing questions. I am anxious about being put on the spot and having no real answers. I doubt that "I don't know" will carry much weight with her. That said, "I don't know" in itself, is an answer of sorts. It means, I can't arrive at a decision. It means, I can barely figure out what to wear in the morning, how can I expect to know how I will feel in a day, a week, a month, a year? It means, I cannot and will not make guarantees because I always keep my word and I don't feel comfortable making a commitment at this time. It means, that I don't know my heart. It means that I don't trust myself.
I have said all this to the interested party but because this isn't the "correct" answer, I am asked to consider and reconsider my position. I am being asked to make more sacrifices by someone who has made none in all the years I have known him. I am being asked to ignore my feelings and put my faith in someone who lost my trust.
Truth is, I know what the counsellor will say on Wednesday.
She'll say, "Oh well now, I think you do know."
and I will say,
"Yes."
