Do You Miss Manners?

On her Thought Spot blog, Diane talked about formalities and the way that her father raised her in an environment bursting with old-fashioned military etiquette. What she didn't learn from her father would be instilled in her later, as she trained to become a marine officer. (Here's the link.)

http://the-thought-spot.blogspot.com/2006/12/on-formalities.html

I regard manners in much the same way as I do art -- I may not know manners, but I know what I like. I mentioned to Diane that I prefer to use first names in addressing other adults. I feel it's one of my divine rights as a grown-up. I get to eat dessert first, go to bed when I want, and address other adults by their first name. I made it through high-school so I figure I deserve some special privilege in exchange for all the indignities I suffered at the hands of cruel teenage girls...and boys for that matter. I wield first names like a sword, levelling the social playground by cutting through formalities and pretense. "We are all God's children," I tell myself, "no one person is more or less valuable than another. We all have a purpose."

I felt pretty comfortable with this personal philosophy until I read Diane's blog. It made me realize that a little bit of ceremony may not be a bad thing. Remember when you were a kid and you called your friends' parents Mr. & Mrs. Smith? It was a sign of respect. Gentlemen opened doors for ladies, children didn't cuss in public, and we always wore our best dress to church on Sunday. All examples of how we demonstrated our respect for others. Not exactly ceremony, but certainly it offered some semblance of decorum.

Things changed somewhere along the line; I kind of like the phrase "social decay." It suggests that we need to pay attention to our collective mental hygiene (sorry) in order to see improvements. I see the symptoms of this decay everywhere, particularly where manners are concerned. Here are some observations:

"I want some milk," says little Jimmy.
"What do you say?" asks Mommy.
"Please can I have some milk," little Jimmy obeys.
"Sure sweetie," comes the reply.
A few moments pass.
"Go brush your teeth Jimmy or you'll be late for the bus."

See anything missing from this exchange? I do. I see it all the time. I probably commit this crime of omission myself from time to time. I consider it the "do as I say, not as I do" approach to parental instruction in manners. Here's another one.

"Go brush your teeth please, or you'll be late for the bus," says Mommy.
"Huh?" asks Jimmy.
"The word is pardon," comes Mommy's reply, "and I said, please go brush your teeth." "Mommy, I can't find the toothpaste," Jimmy calls down from the upstairs bathroom.
"What?" yells Mommy.

I'm a parent and I hear this a lot. Well, perhaps it's more accurate to say I recognize it more often because I've grown sensitive to it. In fact, there is a particular individual in my extended family that is especially bad for this. He instructs my children in matters of etiquette while completely disregarding these rules himself. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the instruction part, but please don't confuse my kids by having them follow one set of rules while you follow another. Here are a few other examples of how we muddy the waters:

• parents who smack their kids and say, "I said no hitting;"
• neighbours who play loud music until 2 a.m. and then throw stones at you when you start your lawn mower the next morning at 8:00 and call you an insensitive ass; and
• dentists who charge $50 for missed appointments and then keep you waiting in their foyer until 9:18 for your 9:00 appointment. "Where's my $50 bucks?" I feel like asking.

Speaking of manners...let's talk about chivalry. If chivalry is dead, I say feminists killed it. How would you like to be on the receiving end of a lecture on the history of feminism and equal rights all the while being accused of oppressive sexist behaviour in response to a single, albeit misplaced, chivalrous act? I can certainly understand how a man might be a little reluctant to flex his gallantry-muscle in modern day society. For those of you willing to open doors or donate a hankie but who may feel unsure of how to rebut an unexpected male-bashing, here's a response I found in a book:

"Are you holding that door open because I'm a woman?" she asks aggressively.
"No, I'm doing it because I am a gentleman," he replies.

...and by the way, I can assure you there are women in the world that long for the "old-fashioned" courtesies that used to come our way. A finely pressed white hankie, a door opened, a seat on the bus, an umbrella on a rainy day, an offer to carry my heavy parcels (to my well-lit parking spot in a busy, public lot.) I understand that perfect strangers might be a little nervous about some of these, what with the avian flu, feminism, and rising crime rates, but if you think you're up for the task go ahead and take the risk. I assure you that any lady would respond politely even if it's to decline your kind gesture.

Some time ago, I committed to being the kindest person I know. Since that time, I discovered that this is not entirely unlike being the most polite person I know. If being kind is about being polite, then shouldn't we be concerned by "social decay?" Are we perhaps too afraid to be kind or have we just forgotten how? In this age of technology, we are raising kids that know how to reprogram the clocks on our VCRs but who couldn't recognize a hankie in a linen line-up. Manners are things that we point out as being absent, but that we often fail to acknowledge when they are present.

About ten years ago, we made fun of technophobes when our parents and grandparents were afraid to touch a computer. What we forgot to value, was their exceptional talent for conducting social interactions. Experts say that baby boomers are an important part of the workforce because they can mentor the Gen-Xers in the finer art of relationship building. Gen-Xers demonstrate great aptitude for technology but the word on the street is that they make crummy supervisors. Seems many of them don't know how to motivate or mentor other people because they often lack basic social skills needed for building and maintaining relationships. That's not to say they don't try.

Ever had an acquaintance (or in some cases, a complete stranger) come up and talk to you about their abusive spouse, their recent bankruptcy and their long list of diagnoses and corresponding treatments? It happens, sure it does. Heck, even if you're not the intended recipient of these little tidbits, you have probably suffered through the uncomfortable second-hand exposure to somebody's public therapy session. Social boundaries have been blurred or even demolished by some unknown force. Let's blame reality TV shows. Whether they deserve it or not, I hate them so let's go with that.

As with all rules, there are also exceptions. There are Baby Boomers who are also sociopaths and empty vessels just like there are Gen-Xers who are charismatic and empathetic humanitarians. We refer to them as weirdos and eccentrics. They are scary and strange because they don't follow the norm. They don't get asked to parties very often and they don't watch reality TV shows.

Diane made me consider that, to others, I may appear boorish and insensitive. I suppose I am sometimes, but not due to any mal intent. Any loutish behaviour would be a product of my ignorance. Having said that, "ignorance of the law is no defense," so I decided I should brush up on my etiquette. I'll get back to you on my findings.

For now, I'll adjust my philosophy on familiarity and offer the respect of a title to any police officers, judges, professors, doctors, dentists, military and political officials. In the meantime, I'm going to read Lynne Truss's book "Talk to the Hand. The Utter Bloody Rudeness of the World Today, or Six Good Reasons to Stay Home and Bolt the Door." I'll share what I find in a future post.