My wake up call came at 6:15 am. I didn't answer. I got another at 6:45. I picked it up and listened. "I don't want to start my days like this." My protests go unheeded so I lay the handset down and go about making myself a coffee and pop some bread into the toaster. I sip my coffee, butter my toast and listen for handset noises in the background. Can't hear any. I go into the living room and watch a few minutes of Canada AM (morning news) and catch up on news in the rest of the world. I grab a warm-up for my coffee and listen for handset noises in the background. None. Back to the TV to finish my coffee and toast. When I return with my dishes I pick up the handset. Nothing. No talking. No dial tone. Nothing. I return the handset to the cradle and return to the television.
I'm blogging these days just to get rid of these thoughts (which is why I'm removing my comment fields from these blogs.) Sorry if it makes anyone uncomfortable but I started this blog so that I could process what is happening in my life. Right now, this is all that I can focus on and I'm hoping that I can stuff it away here so that I can find some peace in my day. Laying down my burden, so to speak.
The most difficult thing to deal with has been my own behaviour. I wanted to live my life every day by being the kindest person I know. I have said and done many things that are very un-kind and it fills me with such self-loathing that it fuels negative feelings that are later expressed through more bad behaviour.
I have absolutely no business being in a relationship at this time.
