The countdown to this year's doomsday prediction continues with only 2 days left until "the end of the world."
In a true end-of-world scenario, I guess we would be forced to arm ourselves. Hollywood portrays post-apocalyptic survivors as a bunch of gun-toting renegades with a "take no survivors" approach to battle. I was brought up with female role models like the Bionic Woman and Charlie's Angels in a family-friendly time slot. All that really taught me is that I could, indeed, run in high heels. I did not play graphic, violent video games (we had pac man), and our idea of make-believe was running through the bush pretending we were shipmates of the Battlestar Galactica exploring a new planet. My blood lust is generally reserved for mosquitoes and the occasional spider. Ahhh geez...let's face it...I don't have a violent bone in my body.
My ex-husband, an avid hunter, tested the boundaries of my tolerance for firearms. On a day where I was particularly open minded, I agreed to fire a gun to experience it first hand. It was very noisy. I hated it. It left my ears ringing and my head aching. I don't need to tell you, I'm sure, that this pacifist doesn't own a firearm. Nor do I plan to acquire one.
I do a lot of cooking so I'm pretty handy with kitchen utensils. One time, however, I accidentally cut my hand with an especially sharp knife and I nearly fainted. A friend standing nearby helped me to a chair where I waited until the dizziness and nausea passed. To me, arming myself with a knife is as unthinkable as arming myself with a cheese grater or a spatula. It borders on the absurd.
If I'm being honest, I'm not a fighter, I'm more of a...flighter. When faced with a threatening or stressful situation, my natural response is to flee, take flight, scat, scram, vamoose. While I have been known to engage, it takes a special recipe of stress, fatigue and PMS to get me in the fightin' mood. I remember telling my boss once that I lost my temper with one of our clients and he said, "Hmmmm. Tell me, what was that like?" It's really a testament to my passive nature. I think I would be described as having a gentle disposition. I try to be polite and kind. Not exactly battleground material.
I was born with an acerbic wit and long legs. It's a marvellous example of evolution when you think about it. I crack wise then book it in the other direction with incredible speed. I don't hurt people, I hurt feelings. In light of the fact that we have committed to a doomsday theory involving zombies and possible zombie attacks, we're pretty much screwed. It is unlikely that I will offend an attacker so completely that they will turn tail and run and it's highly unlikely that I'll have them rolling in the aisles. That pretty much leaves the long legs so...
It's settled then! With only 2 days left on the Mayan Calendar, I'm learning to bite my tongue and I'm practicing my wind sprints.
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