Working Bilge Pump Needed

"Commitment doesn't scare me.  The thought of committing to the wrong person does."

~ Anonymous

A friend and I were performing a post-mortem on my latest relationship when he suggested that I have commitment issues. The 73 minute phone call began with a 15 minute discussion followed by a one-sided dissection of the relationship, my behaviour, my needs, my hang-ups, his merits, his mistakes, his devotion. He talked, I listened. In the end, he simply felt that the breakdown could all be explained by my fear of commitment or, quite possibly, by my lack of communication.

The commitment remark offended me but I was trying to be a good listener and didn't want to interrupt so I silently seethed while he continued to wonder at my decision to end things. His point about my lack of communication was fair but really a matter of perspective so, once again, I listened in silence and made note of the absence of any desire to defend myself.

That's when I recognized it...that familiar vacuum of apathy that sucks away the space that belongs to angry shouts of self-righteous indignation and hurt -- space that belongs to the gritty hallmarks of passion. It was nowhere. It could neither be summoned nor manufactured. It didn't make me sad so much as it made me sure. Something was missing. Something I knew I needed but that had failed to materialize during our time together.

Truth is, I am not afraid of commitment. I think that's the easy part. Commitment requires loyalty, patience, respect and trust. I can do all that and I'm confident in my abilities to recognize those traits in a partner. Over time, however, I have learned that other qualities are critical to a relationship's enduring success. There are things that each of us can or cannot live with or without. We all have our own deal breakers and our list of must-have's. I have no plans to list mine here but, in the end, I must have unwavering faith in the relationship's sustainability before I will surrender to it completely. To commit to a relationship absent of passion, at least in my mind, is defeat not surrender.

Relationships are complex -- easy for some, less easy for others -- but they are as unique as the individuals in them. The only thing they have in common is that they are imperfect. Every relationship is a leaky boat. The trick is to find the leak and determine what you need to staunch the flow.

It takes courage to enter into a relationship. We move forward with open hearts and open minds, of the attitude that we will learn something valuable whether or not we succeed. In every case we grow; we learn more about ourselves and others through our failures as well as our successes. And sometimes...we have our ass handed to us. So we rally...and we find a new boat...and we step lightly packing our bailing bucket, just a little bigger than the last one.