~ George Bernard Shaw
As I mentioned in my last post, a friend suggested that my latest break-up could very likely be due, in no small part, to my lack of communication. I've been spending a lot of time mulling over this idea. Did I fail to communicate? Really? That seems so unlike me.
I was raised by parents who strongly believed that if you don't have anything nice to say, you don't say anything at all. I recognize that this little lesson is intended to serve children as they learn how to develop their own little filters to keep them from thoughtlessly hurling insults at others. Its purpose is to teach empathy and impart socially acceptable behaviours and otherwise prevent children from having their assess kicked across the nation's playgrounds -- at least on the days they aren't serving detention.
As adults, the rule mutates and further tests our mettle. As grown ups we're not only expected to speak nicely but we are required to do so while maintaining open and honest communications. No wonder so many of us just smile and nod our heads! Sometimes it takes days to craft an appropriate response to a personal affront. You've been there. I know you have. You're having a conversation with someone when they say something so offensive or obtuse that your jaw literally drops open. Your mind races for an appropriate response as you fight the urge to convey the most natural one. You know EXACTLY which one I mean. The "you're a f*!@king ass#@le," response to human stressors. But you don't say it because you are an adult. You stammer and choke, maybe say something weak like "I'm sorry you feel that way," or laugh with the hope that it was a poor attempt at humour. Then it comes to you, three days later while you're brushing your teeth in the bathroom mirror -- the perfect response. An especially thoughtful remark precisely balanced with quick wit and disarming simplicity with a flawless delivery that you practice over and over again to the audience in your bathroom mirror. You smile and nod at your satisfied reflection because it is truly perfect...then you slowly shake your head because you know that it is now, three days later, a painfully useless retort.
Regardless of which side of the conversation you find yourself in most often, there are four distinct communication styles -- the Driver (Eagle), the Influencer (Peacock), the Compliant (Owl) and the Steady (Dove) communicator. Some people fit perfectly in one of these quadrants without venturing outside their communication box. Most people generally fit into one of these styles while sharing characteristics from one or more of the other types.
My communication pendulum swings between Compliant and Steady 90% of the time. I can be an Influencer but only if I'm heavily into "sales mode" or talking about something that I feel especially passionate about. I am not a Driver. Not even a little.
How I Communicate
I try to speak with purpose. I weigh my words carefully. I don't talk to hear myself speak. I don't feel the need to share every thought that pops in and out of my mind. If what I am thinking does not add value, it probably won't make it to the conversation. I am not under the misguided belief that I must share my every opinion with the world. I reserve judgement. I know that words can hurt so I try to be kind; I will, however, hurt you with my words if I'm pressed. I do not feel the urge to sway your opinions or beliefs though I am happy to openly explore them with you. Even if I don't agree with what you are saying, I will respect that you do. I don't need you to see the world my way. If you did...there would be so few conversations...so much less to talk about.
How I Feel
Knowing that I feel this way, it is reasonable to assume that mean-spirited remarks will be frowned upon and condescension will be met with contempt. I believe that if your mind is closed, so is your heart. I believe in the sanctity of a trusted confidence; if I feel that what I say is being met with criticism I will not share; if the confidence is broken, the conversation is over. I believe that character can be measured by the way a person treats his mother, his animals and restaurant wait staff. I believe that even if you deserve every good thing that happens, it doesn't excuse you from giving thanks. I believe that if you carry the burden of anger and resentment you have done so by choice and not by circumstance.
I speak with purpose. I did not speak at length but I spoke clearly about what I expect from my partner, how I feel, what I need and what I want. The behaviour and choices that follow are products of conscious decision-making -- we are, after all, agents of free will. Communication is not just talking...sometimes actions speak volumes.
I do not feel the urge to sway your opinions or beliefs.... I do not nag. You are who you are. You have the right to live your life the way you choose. I choose to live my best life.
“The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said.” ~ Peter Drucker
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