Want Some Advice?

There's a kind of person that I'm not too keen about conversing with -- the know-it-all, advice-giving control freak. You know the type...the person that has an answer for everything. The person that's done everything and, incidentally, done it better than anyone else. The person has "forgotten more than you'll ever know" and has little reason to listen since it only delays his/her giving of advice.

I am usually patient and understanding and tolerant and non-judgemental, but I've had a recent run in with a know-it-all and the situation has been stuck in my craw ever since. Recalling the discussion even causes my stomach to tighten and my jaws to tense. I won't bore you with the details, but I will take a moment to dole out my own advice to the know-it-alls out there.

Listen.

People who have problems don't always want to hear your advice. Sometimes, people with problems just want someone to listen. Now, I don't mean that you have to sit and smile while Joe tells you his 60th problem of the morning, but I do mean that you need to be more discerning in your advice-giving ways. Exercise some restraint. Ask questions instead. Help people arrive at their own answers. Here are some phrases to avoid:

• "You need to..." If you slipped and said it before successfully breaking your nasty habit, follow it up with "slow down so I can hear what you are saying to me."
• "Here's what I would do..." Unless this phrase is likely to be followed by...."turn myself in to the authorities," I suggest you refrain from using it too. I mean maybe you would, maybe you wouldn't do whatever. Fact is, nobody knows for certain how they would respond in any given situation until they're in the thick of it.
• "I don't want to harp/beat a dead horse/beleaguer the point/etc..." If you have begun a sentence with any of these phrases or something similar, the fact is you are harping/beating a dead horse/frustrating us with your continued efforts to control our lives. If you didn't want to, you wouldn't, so do us all a favour and don't.

Here are some GREAT fillers for those awkward silences when someone has unloaded their personal tragedy upon you and you need to same SOMETHING.

• "I'm sorry that you feel this way./I'm sorry that this happened to you." It's a polite little acknowledgment to show how genuinely concerned you are with the predicament and how you wish it could be different for the person. Note the absence of any direction/advice in this sentence.
• "Whatever you decide, I'm behind you; I'm sure it will all work out." Unless this is the part where you should be telling someone to turn him/herself into the authorities, this phrase helps the person know that they have the power and the possibility to change their situation. The supportive tone of the comment means that the two of you can still meet for coffee now and then without the tension that follows a relationship having a history of spurned advice.
• "I can't imagine how you must feel. How can I help?" This is soooo much more appealing than trading tragedies to make one another feel better. What's more, it puts the brakes on that kind of intimate sharing if you're not so inclined. Besides, people don't always want to pick scabs with one another. If you weren't paying attention earlier, I'll say it again...People want to be listened to.

Remember, if you're decide to continue doling out advice you had better be prepared to be held accountable for any unexpected or unwanted results that may come from following your direction. Who wants that kind of responsibility? Give advice sparingly and reluctantly. Trust me, your life will be better and so will the lives of all the other poor souls who hand you the reins to their lives while they play spectator. If you absolutely cannot help yourself, then perhaps you should consider taking a course in Victim's Assistance.

That's it! That's my rant. It's not a big thing, it's just some kind of thing.

Thanks for listening. Feel free to leave comments. No advice thank you.