Years ago, I fell in love with language and words. It never ceases to amaze me how "the right word" can capture at once an emotion or an idea that would otherwise be lost. Fact is, English is much like our brain...you can easily function using just a fraction of its true capacity. It happens. All the time.
Admittedly, I have, over the years, become a bit of a "language snob." Ask my best friend. She will testify. I remember hours before meeting someone very special in her life, she turned to me and cautioned..."Do NOT correct him." Ok. Fair enough. Besides, if the worst thing that happens in my day, is that I am forced to read an email littered with the misuse of "they're," "their," or "there," I'm having a pretty great day. That said, there are a few phrases that make me NUTS and this is my soapbox so ....
Please, please, please, let's consider archiving some over-used, mis-used, ridiculous, tired phrases. For instance:
"True Dat"
If you have not produced or performed on a recording that went platinum in the last 3 years, you are prohibited from using this slang phrase. That's our new rule.
"Oh Em Gee" (OMG)
N. O. The beautiful thing about communicating in the 21st century is the variety of methods available to exchange words with our fellow man but...please...pick one...and let's not blur the lines.
"Hate the player, not the game."
Actually, I reserve the right to hate both. If there is no player, there is no game and if you fail to find the truth in that, then you are a worthy target of my loathing.
"I ride shotgun."
Look kids, I grew up in hicksville. Shotguns "ride" suspended in racks in the rear window of a rusted old pickup truck. Does that sound like a comfortable mode of transportation to you? Try, "I ride smelly hunting dog with muddy feet." Still sound cool to you?
"Get off your high horse."
If we need an equine reference to get our point across, how about quietly whispering to the offender..."Stop talking, you sound like a jackass."
"Don't shoot the messenger."
No? Well then...would you be open to a beating?
"Can I play devil's advocate?"
Sure. Let's begin. You go to hell.
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
It astonishes me that humanity found itself at a place in its history where this tidbit of advice would be a necessary addition to the English language.
"Going to hell in a handbasket."
Honestly...given the destination...do we truly believe that how we get there is going to account for what is bound to be uncomfortable trip?
"Let there be light."
It was cute when God said it but...really...you changed a lightbulb...can we just leave it at that?
"A picture is worth a thousand words."
So you mean to tell me that at this year's Christmas Party when the boss is handing out bonuses by way of short stories or Chagall you will actually struggle under the weight of the decision? I thought so. Let me grab my hammer.
"It's not rocket science."
No...it isn't. It also isn't brain surgery, air traffic control, facial reconstruction or nuclear disarmament but it is freaking hard and I'm struggling here so please...spare me.
"If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen."
Might I also suggest that you avoid furnace rooms, saunas, blacksmith shops, tire fires, the entire month of August, and various travel destinations that litter the equator.
"Paint the town red."
If you must. But take a spray-can. And don't get caught.
"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."
No you can't. Just ask PETA.
"It's not over 'til the fat lady sings."
Yet sadly...it ends...and often in oppressive silence.
I could go on. Push the envelope. Run amok...to coin a phrase. I feel better having vented. Turned out today's blog was probably nothing more than just a flash in the pan. I hope you don't think I'm barking mad.
They say that English is one of the most difficult languages to learn. Hmmmm. Wonder why.
Tuesday, April 26
Saturday, April 23
The Royal Wedding
As much as I do wish William and Kate the very best in their future together, I won't be tuning in for their wedding. In all fairness, they did not attend mine...nor did they request a copy of the video. Let's face it...should we meet one day in the future...we can all avoid a terribly awkward moment if I simply tune out next Friday and give them the privacy that they deserve during such a sacred event.
I won't buy the commemorative plate. I never understood that anyway. What do you do with a decorative plate? I'm too pragmatic to hang it on the wall and...well, imagine serving desserts with that plate and finding William there, at the end of the evening, a mess of crumbs and icing sugar.
I won't spring for the poster. The last poster I bought was Eric Estrada dressed in his CHiPs uniform and he served as sentry at the doorway to my bedroom. I was about 10-years old. He kept the bogeyman away...and boys...and all the cool girls that, I'm sure, would otherwise have loved to hang out with me.
I promise not to buy a knock-off version of the engagement ring. It's too showy and...well...I've never been about the bling. Sorry...my mistake. I misspoke. It's not a knock-off...it's a replica. A replica.
While I initially fell in love with the idea of Kate and William's charitable gift fund...it is unlikely that I will donate in their name. No offense Bill & Kate but I need the tax credit in a way that you will NEVER understand.
By the way, I hate to be a killjoy but...for those of you so inclined...be sure to read the small print before you write a cheque to the gift fund. It says:
Distribution of the Fund will be at the sole discretion
of the Trustees guided by the preferences registered by donors.
I am not, nor have I ever been, the trustee of a Charitable Foundation, however I did pass English and what I read here is (and I paraphrase)...
"Thank you for your donation. We appreciate you taking the time to suggest where you would like us to direct your funds but we have bills, and so your funds will be used to pay for items including, but not limited to, the following:
- early morning trips to Starbucks for a round of half-caf lattes to be distributed freely amongst administrative staff;
- performance and incentive fees for the manager of our hedge fund...er...um...I mean, our charitable foundation investment portfolio;
- paperclips, staples, postage stamps and the really cool multi-coloured post it notes that employees keep stealing from the supply closet;
- a new foosball table for the break room;
- pizza-Fridays; and,
- Snapple."
I wish I had never seen that line at the bottom of the web page. It unleashed the cynic in me.
What's more...I realize that, while I am free to express my views here in blog-world, I am at risk of offending the loyal followers of the royal family and, let's face it, that group has got to include some obsessive members...of the John Hinckley Jr. variety.
That said, come if you must obsessive royal fan, to keep me from tarnishing the image you worship, but please...
...bring Snapple.
I won't buy the commemorative plate. I never understood that anyway. What do you do with a decorative plate? I'm too pragmatic to hang it on the wall and...well, imagine serving desserts with that plate and finding William there, at the end of the evening, a mess of crumbs and icing sugar.
I won't spring for the poster. The last poster I bought was Eric Estrada dressed in his CHiPs uniform and he served as sentry at the doorway to my bedroom. I was about 10-years old. He kept the bogeyman away...and boys...and all the cool girls that, I'm sure, would otherwise have loved to hang out with me.
I promise not to buy a knock-off version of the engagement ring. It's too showy and...well...I've never been about the bling. Sorry...my mistake. I misspoke. It's not a knock-off...it's a replica. A replica.
While I initially fell in love with the idea of Kate and William's charitable gift fund...it is unlikely that I will donate in their name. No offense Bill & Kate but I need the tax credit in a way that you will NEVER understand.
By the way, I hate to be a killjoy but...for those of you so inclined...be sure to read the small print before you write a cheque to the gift fund. It says:
Distribution of the Fund will be at the sole discretion
of the Trustees guided by the preferences registered by donors.
I am not, nor have I ever been, the trustee of a Charitable Foundation, however I did pass English and what I read here is (and I paraphrase)...
"Thank you for your donation. We appreciate you taking the time to suggest where you would like us to direct your funds but we have bills, and so your funds will be used to pay for items including, but not limited to, the following:
- early morning trips to Starbucks for a round of half-caf lattes to be distributed freely amongst administrative staff;
- performance and incentive fees for the manager of our hedge fund...er...um...I mean, our charitable foundation investment portfolio;
- paperclips, staples, postage stamps and the really cool multi-coloured post it notes that employees keep stealing from the supply closet;
- a new foosball table for the break room;
- pizza-Fridays; and,
- Snapple."
I wish I had never seen that line at the bottom of the web page. It unleashed the cynic in me.
What's more...I realize that, while I am free to express my views here in blog-world, I am at risk of offending the loyal followers of the royal family and, let's face it, that group has got to include some obsessive members...of the John Hinckley Jr. variety.
That said, come if you must obsessive royal fan, to keep me from tarnishing the image you worship, but please...
...bring Snapple.
Friday, April 22
On Friendship
Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation. - George Washington (1732 - 1799)
In the sandbox of preschools, friendship blossoms over shared toys or from a simple, tentative smile. In elementary schools, our friendships are found in common interests and goals...no matter how simple. In high school, friendships are strengthened or severed by the strain of academic achievement and new relationships that teach and transform us. And...after that...we fight to protect and preserve the friendships that survived years of change and growth and distance because inside that friendship lies the person we were, we are, we will be.
Some say that when two friends meet after a period of absence, they pick up where they left off as easily as they would resume a conversation interrupted by a brief pause. I suppose then, that a true friend is like a member of our family that came to be a part of our lives not by birthright, but by accepting and supporting us as surely and completely as a parent or a sibling.
We don't have to be perfect to be a perfect friend but friendship in and of itself is perfection. An organic affiliation that protects and promotes the needs of two people with unyielding reciprocity.
In the sandbox of preschools, friendship blossoms over shared toys or from a simple, tentative smile. In elementary schools, our friendships are found in common interests and goals...no matter how simple. In high school, friendships are strengthened or severed by the strain of academic achievement and new relationships that teach and transform us. And...after that...we fight to protect and preserve the friendships that survived years of change and growth and distance because inside that friendship lies the person we were, we are, we will be.
Some say that when two friends meet after a period of absence, they pick up where they left off as easily as they would resume a conversation interrupted by a brief pause. I suppose then, that a true friend is like a member of our family that came to be a part of our lives not by birthright, but by accepting and supporting us as surely and completely as a parent or a sibling.
We don't have to be perfect to be a perfect friend but friendship in and of itself is perfection. An organic affiliation that protects and promotes the needs of two people with unyielding reciprocity.
Anything...
Anytime...
No questions asked...
No explanation necessary...
...because that's what family is. It's the tie that binds. Either by design or default...our friends are the family we chose.
Wednesday, April 20
On Courage
I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. - Harper Lee (1926 - ), To Kill a Mockingbird, 1960
Courage, I think, may be found in the silent pep talks we have with ourselves in the bathroom mirror after we wipe away the fog and search to find clarity in the eyes that gaze back at us. It is the quiet words of encouragement we speak beneath our breath when we say, "you can do this" or "it's OK" as we summon the strength to do something that we have been avoiding..or something that scares us. It is found in the quiet victories claimed in the promises we make to ourselves...the ones that we keep...the ones that we don't share with the rest of the world.
Courage, I think, may be found in the silent pep talks we have with ourselves in the bathroom mirror after we wipe away the fog and search to find clarity in the eyes that gaze back at us. It is the quiet words of encouragement we speak beneath our breath when we say, "you can do this" or "it's OK" as we summon the strength to do something that we have been avoiding..or something that scares us. It is found in the quiet victories claimed in the promises we make to ourselves...the ones that we keep...the ones that we don't share with the rest of the world.
Regardless of whether our courage is authentic or an act...it changes us and the way we move through our world. Some say that courage is about being afraid but being the only one in the room that knows it. Perhaps that is why our courage feels sometimes like an ill-fitting shirt -- choking us a little, too tight in the chest, uncomfortable -- but we put it on and move forward because without it we are naked and vulnerable and...eventually...we find comfort in the fit.
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