The Royal Wedding

As much as I do wish William and Kate the very best in their future together, I won't be tuning in for their wedding. In all fairness, they did not attend mine...nor did they request a copy of the video. Let's face it...should we meet one day in the future...we can all avoid a terribly awkward moment if I simply tune out next Friday and give them the privacy that they deserve during such a sacred event.

I won't buy the commemorative plate. I never understood that anyway. What do you do with a decorative plate? I'm too pragmatic to hang it on the wall and...well, imagine serving desserts with that plate and finding William there, at the end of the evening, a mess of crumbs and icing sugar.

I won't spring for the poster. The last poster I bought was Eric Estrada dressed in his CHiPs uniform and he served as sentry at the doorway to my bedroom. I was about 10-years old. He kept the bogeyman away...and boys...and all the cool girls that, I'm sure, would otherwise have loved to hang out with me.

I promise not to buy a knock-off version of the engagement ring. It's too showy and...well...I've never been about the bling. Sorry...my mistake. I misspoke. It's not a knock-off...it's a replica. A replica.

While I initially fell in love with the idea of Kate and William's charitable gift fund...it is unlikely that I will donate in their name. No offense Bill & Kate but I need the tax credit in a way that you will NEVER understand.

By the way, I hate to be a killjoy but...for those of you so inclined...be sure to read the small print before you write a cheque to the gift fund. It says:

Distribution of the Fund will be at the sole discretion
of the Trustees guided by the preferences registered by donors.

I am not, nor have I ever been, the trustee of a Charitable Foundation, however I did pass English and what I read here is (and I paraphrase)...

"Thank you for your donation. We appreciate you taking the time to suggest where you would like us to direct your funds but we have bills, and so your funds will be used to pay for items including, but not limited to, the following:
- early morning trips to Starbucks for a round of half-caf lattes to be distributed freely amongst administrative staff;
- performance and incentive fees for the manager of our hedge fund...er...um...I mean, our charitable foundation investment portfolio;
- paperclips, staples, postage stamps and the really cool multi-coloured post it notes that employees keep stealing from the supply closet;
- a new foosball table for the break room;
- pizza-Fridays; and,
- Snapple."

I wish I had never seen that line at the bottom of the web page. It unleashed the cynic in me.

What's more...I realize that, while I am free to express my views here in blog-world, I am at risk of offending the loyal followers of the royal family and, let's face it, that group has got to include some obsessive members...of the John Hinckley Jr. variety.

That said, come if you must obsessive royal fan, to keep me from tarnishing the image you worship, but please...

...bring Snapple.