A Few Words on Golf

I have one good game of golf every year. Perhaps ironically, it is the one I play by myself after a long winter of not thinking about golf. It is also the one I choose to play alone so that I don't hear "you looked up" umpteen times in one day.

My parents own a golf course in Lanark County. It's called Dalhousie Glen. The picture above shows the 2nd hole taken from the trees at the 3rd tee. The views on the course are sensational, especially near the end of the season.

I don't own my own set of golf clubs so I usually borrow my husband's. I'm 5'9 and I find a lady's club a little short. I could probably try to adjust my swing but, frankly, I'm not that devoted. For any non-golfers, adjusting your swing is roughly the equivalent of reducing your shoe size by one. It's uncomfortable and causes frustration, irritability and pain. It's usually just easier to find a comfortable pair of shoes and try to match them to everything in the closet. Same with my golf swing. I get along fine as long as I look for courses to match my ability. As a matter of courtesy, I steer clear of courses where I may encounter the ubergolfer. You know....

Ubergolfer (pronounced: ooh-burr-gaul-fer)
The loudest, most obnoxious of the anthropoid golfers, the ubergolfer is characterized by its swollen head and unnaturally large mouth. Unlike its cousin the "able-golfer" the ubergolfer is distinguished through peculiarities in its brain anatomy. The cerebellum which helps coordinate movement (balance and muscle coordination) is putter-shaped in the ubergolfer and is known to cause involuntary, repititious golf swings both off and on the course. The frontal lobe (controls problem-solving) is shaped like a driver and lacks the capacity for self-correction though it over-compensates through the correction of others; the pre-frontal cortex (determines personality) is under-developed and is thus attributed to the ubergolfer's personality deficit. Years of evolution have resulted in adaptations in the ubergolfer's accessories so that bags, hats, clubs, etc. are emblazoned with the letters P-I-N-G. This is nature's way of warning other anthropoid golfers that coming into contact with the ubergolfer will result in irritation; prolonged exposure may even cause vomiting. The ubergolfer is semiterrestrial. While harmless on land, the ubergolfer can become aggressive and unpredictable when encountered in sand or water.

I am not a serious golfer and I think I demonstrate that when I leave the clubhouse without either scorecard or pencil. I am, however, sensitive enough to know that my lack of reverence can be offensive to others. I observe golf etiquette in so far as it will impact the games of other players (e.g. I let faster groups play through) but I generally disregard the rules of golf. I suppose it should come as no surprise then, when I say I rarely get invited to tournaments.

In my view, the objective of any leisure activity is to have fun. With that in mind, here are my friendly tips for the novice golfer on how to enjoy a game of golf:

• Buy a nice pair of golf shoes. It's not going to improve your game but - hey -- new shoes!
• Find a small, friendly golf club that doesn't scream hoity-toity when you pull into the parking lot. Avoid any course that has a parking lot full of Mercedes', BMWs, Lincoln Navigators, etc. These are the ubergolfer's preferred mode of transportation. Might I suggest you try Dalhousie Glen?
• Before you leave the parking lot, dump all your clubs on the ground. Pick up your driver, your putter, your wedge and your nine-iron and put them in your golf bag. Throw all the other clubs into the trunk of your car.
• Go to the clubhouse and buy one dozen previously-used golf balls. DO NOT buy a box of brand new balls. You'll feel much better about leaving a $1.00 ball in the water hazard versus a $4.00 ball. Besides, your telescopic ball retriever is in the trunk of your car.
• Grab a package of wooden tees. Don't bother with the plastic tees even if they claim to compensate for your crappy swing. They don't. If they did, the guy behind the counter would be on the pro circuit instead of here trying to peddle plastic tees to you.
• Exit the clubhouse without taking a scorecard and pencil; keep telling yourself that they are the devil's instruments.
• Proceed to the first tee paying close attention to anyone who may be in your immediate vicinity. If you get there with another party, let them play first. Trust me on this. If you have to sit there for an hour while parties come and clear the first tee, do it. If you need to stall, take your driver out of your bag, throw it over your shoulders and drape your hands over either end. This position is called "the warm up." Swivel at the waist or bend left and right a little every now and then.
• When the last group clears the fairway, grab the driver and four balls out of your bag. Drive each of the balls into the fairway. Proceed to the ball that is closest to the green provided that it also offers the best lie and collect the other balls (if you can find them). This is called "best ball."
• Alternating between your driver and iron, continue to swing at the ball until it lands on or near the green. If you over-shoot, grab your wedge and aim back toward the green OR pick up the ball and toss it in a light, underhand motion from the apron. Tossing the ball can loosely be interpreted as a Bisque which can also be loosely interpreted as cheating.
• When your ball finds its way to the green, grab your putter and go to the hole. Pull the flag from the hole and lay it on the green in a position such that it will serve as a backstop for the putt that you are about to miss. Line up your shot. (You can walk around and pretend to "read the hole" if you want to impress anyone looking on, but make sure you don't trip over the flag and attract unwanted attention.)
• Employing a pendulum-like arc, tap your ball with your putter until it drops into the plastic cup. Smile knowingly as you bend at the waist to retrieve your ball and nod deeply as you replace the flag in the hole.
• If you absolutely could not help yourself and you took a scorecard against my advice, tally your score for this hole. To do this, you will need to: add up all your shots; subtract the ones you tried to make with your wedge; and divide that number by the number of balls you have left from the start of that hole -- remember, you started with four.
• Proceed to the next hole and repeat. When you get tired, return to the clubhouse. If you fail to complete the course, remember to reduce the score of you game by the total par of the remaining holes. For example, if you are playing a par 3 course and you quit on hole 12, you reduce your overall score by 18.

Remember, like the old saying goes, "Golf is like sex. You don't have to be any good to enjoy it.