I don't know

I have so few answers these days that even I am tired of hearing me say, "I don't know."

I lack the capacity and the confidence for making big decisions so I simply don't. (I suspect that it is the perfectionist in me that prevents me from making a bad decision by making no decision at all.) Hardly a recipe for success, though these days survival seems to be the more pressing objective than long range personal, professional or financial success. There are many decisions to be made these days and I've been avoiding most of them.

I was accused today of being dishonest and wishy-washy and it hurt me deeply because I have long enjoyed a reputation for being honest and forthright. At some level I know that I must admit to being wishy-washy and I believe that it is due largely to the constant struggle between my heart and my head. They have, for many months, been wrestling over the trophy of my future; I sense now that they are beginning to align towards an inevitable truth. The truth (as I have mentioned elsewhere in this blog) is that I have no place being in a relationship.

I understand that I will be meeting with a counsellor on Wednesday who is going to ask me (I expect) deep and probing questions. I am anxious about being put on the spot and having no real answers. I doubt that "I don't know" will carry much weight with her. That said, "I don't know" in itself, is an answer of sorts. It means, I can't arrive at a decision. It means, I can barely figure out what to wear in the morning, how can I expect to know how I will feel in a day, a week, a month, a year? It means, I cannot and will not make guarantees because I always keep my word and I don't feel comfortable making a commitment at this time. It means, that I don't know my heart. It means that I don't trust myself.

I have said all this to the interested party but because this isn't the "correct" answer, I am asked to consider and reconsider my position. I am being asked to make more sacrifices by someone who has made none in all the years I have known him. I am being asked to ignore my feelings and put my faith in someone who lost my trust.

Truth is, I know what the counsellor will say on Wednesday.

She'll say, "Oh well now, I think you do know."

and I will say,

"Yes."

Wake Up Call

My wake up call came at 6:15 am. I didn't answer. I got another at 6:45. I picked it up and listened. "I don't want to start my days like this." My protests go unheeded so I lay the handset down and go about making myself a coffee and pop some bread into the toaster. I sip my coffee, butter my toast and listen for handset noises in the background. Can't hear any. I go into the living room and watch a few minutes of Canada AM (morning news) and catch up on news in the rest of the world. I grab a warm-up for my coffee and listen for handset noises in the background. None. Back to the TV to finish my coffee and toast. When I return with my dishes I pick up the handset. Nothing. No talking. No dial tone. Nothing. I return the handset to the cradle and return to the television.

I'm blogging these days just to get rid of these thoughts (which is why I'm removing my comment fields from these blogs.) Sorry if it makes anyone uncomfortable but I started this blog so that I could process what is happening in my life. Right now, this is all that I can focus on and I'm hoping that I can stuff it away here so that I can find some peace in my day. Laying down my burden, so to speak.

The most difficult thing to deal with has been my own behaviour. I wanted to live my life every day by being the kindest person I know. I have said and done many things that are very un-kind and it fills me with such self-loathing that it fuels negative feelings that are later expressed through more bad behaviour.

I have absolutely no business being in a relationship at this time.

Painful Irony

He said, "for all of those years, I wasn't happy with myself and it kept me from finding happiness with you and the kids. I've spent the last year working on myself and I like the new me. Now all I want is to find happiness with my family."

All of those years, I was happy with myself and I tried to find happiness with him. I've spent the last year without him but I have failed to move forward because I remained committed to a dysfunctional and damaged relationship against my better judgement. I don't feel very good about myself these days and I suspect that it will prevent me from finding happiness with my family.

Ironic don't you think?

Breakfast at Tiffany's

It was classic movie weekend at our place last weekend. Little girl rented Hitchcock's The Birds and I grabbed Breakfast at Tiffany's. The young man grabbed Safe Men featuring Sam Rockwell, Steve Zahn, Mark Ruffalo and Paul Giamatti. I tried to explain that Safe Men didn't qualify as a classic, however I could not sell the idea and so out we walked with two classics and some brain candy.

I love the opening scene of Breakfast at Tiffany's where Hepburn's Holly Golightly gets out of the cab in front of Tiffany's at daybreak. She crosses the deserted sidewalk to peer into Tiffany's window display and stares at the jewelry as she dines on her pastry and coffee. The moment is perfect in its simplicity. I watched it a half dozen times at least.

I didn't read the book by Truman Capote but I'm thinking that I may. I am much better at grasping plot lines and subtleties in the written form. Authors use narratives to thoroughly explain things that are not always as easily conveyed through movie dialogue. I say this because ....

...I had NO idea that Holly Golightly was a prostitute. I have long considered myself to be naive but, once again, I was shocked to learn that this fact totally escaped me for 111 minutes and not less than 3 viewings of this movie over the years. Blake Edwards was kind enough to enlighten me during his interview in the DVD's Bonus Features. He explained that Audrey Hepburn had serious misgivings about playing a prostitute and I'm like, "What? Say again." "A whore," said Blake Edwards. Hey, the cover said a socialite. What the heck?

I mean, sure, the fact that she was paid $50. by her date for each visit to the washroom wasn't entirely lost on me. I thought she was a little loose for 1961. I mean she did crawl up the fire escape and slide into bed with George Peppard after all. She had only met him a couple of times in the hall. Cheeky sure, but c'mon. Yeah, yeah, her dates gave her money and expensive gifts but isn't that a benefit of being the focus of a rich man's attention? That's still quite a stretch from whore, isn't it? The cover said socialite.

I'm not sure how I feel about the movie now. It's changed my perspective and the way I feel when I watch the movie. I guess Breakfast at Tiffany's was the 1961 version of 1990's Pretty Woman.

Regardless, the opening scene is magic. The three minutes spent on Fifth Avenue at daybreak as Moon River plays in the background are well worth the cost of admission in my opinion.

A Little Blue Friend

A beautiful little blue bird formally known as the Blue Jay. At my Granny & Grandpa’s house in front of their kitchen window they have a bird feeder and a basket with bones and a bit of left over meat in it. I’m not quite sure about a left over meat eating and bone chewing bird though. Didn’t know they existed. Mom brought a bag of birdseed home from town the other day and we filled up the bird feeder hoping that we would have some visitors. Every time a bird comes to the feeder, we try to find its picture in Grandpa’s Northern Bird book. So far we have seen the Common Redpoll (only two), Evening Grosbeaks (lots), Chickadees, one Cardinal and plenty of Blue Jays. Oh yeah, and a squirrel.

During the winter while they are in Florida we watch their house for them and since Mom bought the seed, they’ve got visitors at their bird feeder and still no birds at their bone and meat basket. Right now I am looking at it and there is a pile of snow in their basket while there are Blue Jays in the bird feeder.

From about 12:00am. - 12:30am. I was watching a group of Blue Jays while taking pictures and there were about 8 of them but they wouldn’t come to the feeder while I was standing in the kitchen except one of them decided that it didn’t matter he was getting too hungry to wait so he flew over and I managed to get some pictures. Here’s my favourite picture.

I hope you like it too and I'll try to get pictures of the other birds.
Wordpecker jr.